APOLOGY TRAINING FOR DUMMIES: How NOT to Say You're Sorry

"I said I was sorry, what more do you want?!"
If you ever say these words in exasperation, you need apology training. 

5 Ways You Should Not Apologize:

1)    “I’m sorry!!!”

Translation: “You’re stupid for reacting that way and it’s really all your fault.”

The tone of how you say it means everything. Words just as an effort to appease the other person are ineffective.  Silence is better than compounding the pain with words you don’t mean.

2)    “I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

Translation: “You are too sensitive.” 

The “if” implies that the other person is responsible for being hurt instead of you. It transfers the guilt onto their shoulders implying that their response is the problem, not your action. It’s a double-whammy of pain.

3)    “I’m sorry, but…”

Translation: “I’m justified in what I did/said and I’m not going to apologize for it.” 

It doesn’t matter what the rest of the sentence says. The “but” negates the rest of the apology. The “but” justifies your actions and you might as well say that the other person deserved what they got.

4)    “I’m sorry I hurt you, but I didn’t mean to.”

Translation: “What I did/said was justified and it doesn’t really matter how you feel about it.”

This is a combination of #2 and #3 above with the addition of making yourself seem noble in the process. Why bother apologizing?

5)    “I’m sorry that you got hurt.”

Translation – “It’s not my fault that you’re so sensitive.”

Really? There is nothing in this statement that resembles an apology because it removes you from any action or fault and places it entirely on the other person.

The right way to apologize:

1)    Wait until you are truly sincere and the other person is ready to listen.

2)    Acknowledge that what you did was hurtful.

3)    Do not try to justify it; admit fault.

4)    Express concern and sorrow.

5)    Ask for forgiveness.

Is it REALLY so hard to say: “Hey, what I did was wrong and was my fault. I am sorry for hurting you. Will you please forgive me?”

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

Disclaimer: This post was not inspired by any current event.

It's Called Grace

 It’s moving relationally toward a person when they have wronged you. 

It’s opening the door of your heart when every part of you wants to close it. 

It’s engaging when you have every right to disengage.

It’s offering help when someone’s actions have violated everything you believe in, hope for, and want for that person. 

It’s staying involved in the relationship when someone has violated your rules, ignored your advice, or hurt you through lies, deceit, and manipulation.

To love someone when you have been wronged is tough, but it’s essential in communicating a love that is beyond your capability. 

It’s a love that will win out if you don’t quit.  Even if you don’t feel like it.

When you feel good about giving grace, it probably isn’t grace.

(excerpted from Tough Guys and Drama Queens , by Mark Gregston, page 170).

Loving a Brother Who Is Hard to Love

If I have to walk on egg shells to keep from upsetting him,

If I often wonder if he treats me rudely because of past offenses,

If I do things his way so as not to aggravate him,

If I avoid him because his pride is disconcerting,

If I find him impossible to talk to because he doesn’t hold a conversation,

If he expresses no interest in me and puts up walls –

        I continue to wonder, does he really love me?

       

If love is patient, kind, not rude, keeps no record of wrongs, is not easily angered, and is not self-seeking (1 Corinthians 13:4-5), then I could conclude that no, he does not love me.

But….

If I treat him with respect even when he is callous,

If I show interest by asking questions even if he does not reciprocate,

If I am patient and do not mirror his emotions when he gets flustered,

If I do not judge what I cannot understand,

If I gently speak the difficult words that need to be said (even while cracking the eggshells),

If I forgive him for not loving me back,

        Then I love him not just with words but actions too.

Jesus said it is easy to love someone who is loveable. Anyone can do that.  But if you love someone who is hard to love through the love of Christ, then you honor Him even more.

It hurts to love someone who doesn’t love you back, a feeling that God must be well acquainted with. He calls us to do the hard things and then infuses us with His power so that we can do them. 

I love you, brother. If I don’t say it, I hope you can someday see it.

Getting a Grip When under Attack

An accusatory text message, an assuming e-mail, a discovery of a lie or a bit of deceit… my initial knee-jerk reaction can turn the raindrop into a torrential downpour.  In this season of my life, I have been showered by small unexpected offenses that have the potential to evolve into damaging floods of emotion if I don’t pull out my umbrella of counsel from the Word of God.  With God’s counsel, I am becoming better at distinguishing the words that manipulate – words intended to cause guilt in order to maneuver for control.  Even more, God helps me to see through His perspective and enables me to get a glimpse from their shoes. Then the umbrella of grace, understanding and forgiveness deflects the words and keeps me from measuring the depth of offense.

But sometimes I am so slow to anger, it would almost seem my reaction is delayed as I mull over the assault.  Then it begins to gradually simmer and then boil up inside of me until I am no longer able to focus on my work. I start to question what is true. I question myself. I try to recall the history of progression. I mull over the facts versus the assumptions.  At some point, though, I have to get a grip on the barrage of thoughts and emotions. Ultimately, I want strength, Truth, and for my every thought and step to be in line with God’s will and purpose.    

I keep this prayer at my desk for times like these. It helps me feel strong, seek truth, and binds up my thoughts and emotions so that I don’t lose control:

In the name of Jesus Christ, I bind my body, soul and spirit to the will and the purpose of God.  I bind myself to the truth of God.  I bind myself to an awareness of the power of the blood of Jesus working in my life every day.  I bind my mind to the mind of Christ that I can have the thoughts, purposes and feelings of His heart in me.  I bind my feet to the paths you have ordained for me to walk, God, that my steps will be strong and steady.  I bind myself to the work of the cross with all of its mercy, truth, love, power, forgiveness and dying to self.

In the name of Jesus Christ, I bind  Satan and I loose his hold on everything he has ever stolen from me.  I rebuke his works and loose the power and effects of every deception, device, and influence he wants to bring against me.

Lord, I repent of having wrong attitudes and thoughts, I renounce them now and ask forgiveness.  I loose every old, wrong pattern of thinking, attitude, idea, desire, belief, habit, and behavior that may still be working in me.  I tear down, crush, smash, and destroy every stronghold I have erected to protect them. I bind myself to the overcoming behavior and spiritual desires that line up with the fruit of the Holy Spirit.

Father, I loose any strongholds in my life protecting wrong feelings I have against anyone.  Forgive me as I forgive those who have caused me pain, loss, or grief.  I loose any desires for retribution, or redress. 

In the name of Jesus, I loose the power and the effects of any harsh or hard words spoken about me or by me. I loose any strongholds connected with them. I loose all generational bondages and their strongholds from myself.

Thank you, Jesus, that you have promised whatsoever I bind and loose on earth will be bound and loosed in heaven.
Amen.

(If you know the source, let me know so I can credit the author)

Prickly Burs - Forgiving the Little Things

Sometimes hurtful words can roll right off my back and be quickly forgotten with no damaging effects. Other times, words can cut like a sword, slashing my heart, but the wound eventually heals, even if scars remain. Often though, words stick more like burs – the kind that hook onto my socks when I walk through the woods or an overgrown field. They are an irritant, and even when one is removed, there are often hundreds more clinging just under the surface.  

C.S. Lewis says, “It is perhaps not so hard to forgive a single great injury. But to forgive the incessant provocations of daily life – to keep on forgiving the bossy mother-in-law, the bullying husband, the nagging wife, the selfish daughter, the deceitful son – how can we do it? Only, I think, by remembering where we stand…” (The Weight of Glory).

How do I get rid of all those throny irritants attached to my pant leg? God tells us that we should forgive just as God in Christ forgave us, graciously, not begrudgingly (Ephesians 4:32).  How we forgive wrongs demonstrates the degree to which we treasure the cross of Christ. The burs that stick are an opportunity to express the mercy and grace of God, over and over and over again. 

Thomas Watson defines forgiveness as:

1.       Resisting revenge

2.       Not returning evil for evil

3.       Wishing them well

4.       Grieving at their calamities

5.       Praying for their welfare

6.       Seeking reconciliation so far as it depends on you

7.       Coming to their aid in distress

Every time I feel the prick from the bristles, if I choose to do at least #5, pray for their welfare, then the burs tend to lose their prickliness.  Sometimes they completely fall off.  I can bravely hike into the messy places armed wtih at least half of these on my list and not fear the potential harm from attack. They may actually roll off.

The most humbling thing is knowing that I am sometimes a bur-inflictor.  My own faults remind me to extend to others the same grace and mercy that I want extended back to me.

Should I Forgive If They Aren't Sorry? Forgiveness, Part 2.

Someone hurt my child. Like a mama bear protecting her cub, I want to swing my vicious claws to protect her and keep it from happening again. If they back off and acknowledge they have done her wrong, I might be appeased. If they apologize too, then I can return to my cave with my cub and be at peace. But what if they only back off? What if they never admit it was wrong, let alone apologize? And if they repeatedly attack, am I supposed to keep on forgiving?

Forgiveness is the act of freeing someone from the obligation to pay back for the wrong done to you. Many Christians say that we must forgive for our own sakes in order to free ourselves from resentment and bitterness. Some say to tell the offender they are forgiven, even if they are not sorry. But is it Biblical to extend forgiveness to someone who won’t admit they’ve done wrong?

Being Ready to Forgive Vs. the Act of Forgiveness

In Mark 11:25, Jesus calls us to be forgiving. According to Tyler Kennedy, “Scripture requires us to distinguish between being forgiving, which is the virtue of always being ready and eager to forgive, and the act of forgiveness, which is the actual remission of sin done against us.”

The person who refuses to acknowledge their wrong cannot experience forgiveness in the full sense. We can let go of our resentment, give our anger to God, and we can pray goodness for that person, but forgiveness to its fullness cannot be extended without contrition.

Even when the offender is not sorry, we don’t sit around seething in bitterness, waiting for them to come to their senses. Jesus commands us to love our enemies, to pray for them, and to do good to them. We are to be eager and ready to forgive, to wait patiently to grant it. This means we can’t be harboring resentment or dwelling on the offense. We must release the expectation that they need to pay back what we feel is owed us for their offense.

The Necessity of Sorrow

In Matthew 18:21-22, when Peter asks how many times we should forgive someone, Jesus answers that we should forgive 70 times seven. Nothing about repentance of the offender is mentioned. But look at the context. In the following parable, a servant was forgiven for his large debt that he owed the king when he begged for mercy.  Then the servant searched out his fellow servants and demanded payment for what they owed him. When they begged for mercy, he was not willing to forgive.  Referring back to how often Jesus said we should forgive, it seems that repentance is assumed. When forgiveness is asked for, we should grant it, just as the Father did for us. But what if they don’t want forgiveness? What if they aren’t sorry?

Dietrich Bonhoeffer said that “cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance…absolution without personal confession” (Cost of Discipleship). God is always ready to forgive, but it is not extended until we ask for it. It is not extended until we agree with God that what we did was wrong and we are remorseful. Repentance is necessary.

If we tell people they are forgiven for an offense they refuse to acknowledge is wrong, we rob them of the incentive of the Gospel. We minimize the offensiveness of our own sin against God. We rob Jesus of the glory of His work on the cross, the depth of his sacrificial death. We cheapen the value of God’s grace.

Conclusion

Being ready to forgive enables us to release resentment and bitterness. Being ready to forgive sets us free, even if the apology never comes. The act of forgiveness should follow an expression of sorrow for wrong. But if sorrow never comes and we never get the opportunity to extend forgiveness to its fullest extent, being loving and willing to forgive transforms our character. It will beautifully change us so that we become more like Jesus.

When Forgiveness Is Denied (Forgiveness Part 1)

In a cycle of hurt feelings and retaliation, my daughter played a “prank” on a friend. It wasn’t just something silly. It was destructive, performed in a spirit of revenge. Afterwards, she was sorrowful for her vindictive behavior when she realized how much pain it inflicted. So last weekend, I accompanied her to her friend’s house to meet with both the girl and her mother to apologize.

Before she could complete her apology, her friend exploded with strings of profanities and accusations that appalled me while her mother quietly observed. Tears streamed down my daughter’s cheeks as she received the onslaught and fought the urge to defend herself in like manner. My gentle pat on her back reminded her not to mirror the behavior, but instead to do what Jesus would do in the middle of false accusations and just listen and be silent. Her friend was unwilling to listen. We left unable to achieve any reconciliation or peace.

For a while, I doubted my decision to allow my daughter to be subjected to verbal abuse. Perhaps I should have removed her from the situation sooner, insisting on mutual respect. Perhaps I should have said we would return later when her friend was willing to have a discussion.

This week, God reassured me through Matthew 5 - Jesus tells us not to lose a minute but to make the first move to make things right. He wants us to abandon our worship and offerings if we remember a grudge a friend has against us and go immediately to work things out. We are responsible for our own actions, not others’ responses.

God’s way is not always the easy way and may look strange to the world, but it is always the best way, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time. Doing the right thing was hard. It took courage. And at the moment, it feels unrewarded. But I deeply recognize how beautiful forgiveness can be now that I know how it feels to have it denied for a long length of time.

I am fighting the feeling of resentment for the verbal attack on my daughter. Holding onto a wrong seems to be the easier way sometimes. The flesh naturally wants to rehearse the wrongs, compile a list of offenses, and command repayment for what is owed. But if I hang on to my resentment, then I am no better off than the offender.

God’s forgiveness when I repent has never looked so beautiful. When someone expresses remorse for wrong done to me, I would like to think I would be quick to grant it. But what if the offender is never sorry? Am I required to forgive? And does forgiving mean that I have to always forget the offense as well? Have I truly forgiven if I keep remembering it? I plan to explore the answers in my next three posts and would love to hear your thoughts.