My Grandma Gave Me a Machine Gun

Grandma L. 1924-2013

Every year on Christmas Eve as a child, we would go to my Grandma L’s house for a gift exchange and finger food.  Between my two sets of grandparents, when it came to receiving gifts, Grandma L. was totally unpredictable and a huge success.  While Grandma F. gave her hand-crafted crocheted booties, capes and purses (which I treasure to this day), my Grandma L. gave my first portable radio and a toy machine gun.  Yes, a gun.  My mother was mortified, and I was puzzled. 

Did she know me? Maybe she did.  Not that I like guns – I hate them.  But I prized that silly toy because I liked playing GI Joe with my brother, and I finally had my own gun, and when I pushed the trigger, it made cooler sounds than his.  I liked it that she didn’t stereotype me or put me in a mold of what a sweet little girl should be or have.

My Grandma L. came to my birthday parties and graduations and my out-of-state wedding.  But it seemed we were from two different worlds.  We never really knew what to say to each other.  She never really knew me. And I never really knew her.

One of my New Year’s resolutions for 2013 was to get to know my Grandma L., my last living grandparent.  Just going to her house to visit seemed awkward, especially since her dementia had gotten worse. I needed a reason to be there, so I asked my Aunt Sal if there was anything I could do to help take care of her.  She insisted that she didn’t need my help but would call when she did.

Visiting her in the hospital was easier, less awkward.  When she was there with a kidney infection, I prayed with her. I think I scared her.  I didn’t really know what she believed about God.  She didn’t go to church. I didn’t pray with her because I thought she was dying.  I wanted God to be near, to ease her pain, and bring her comfort.

She was in the hospital again a few months later, this time with a cancer diagnosis.  At 89 years old, she decided she just wanted to go home and not endure any treatments.  Again, I offered my assistance through Aunt Sal. 

The day after Thanksgiving, my mom and I were visiting with Grandma L. I don’t know why I had a hard time being more courageous to share the most important thing in the world to me, but the door just never seemed to swing open.

Until we were leaving.  “If only you could get me a…..”, she mumbled as we said our good-byes and headed to the door.  

My mom and I looked at each other. Was it worth asking her to repeat it or just continue on out the door?  I turned, leaned toward her lying in her bed, and asked her what it was she wanted.  “Get me a shotgun, so that I can end all this."

Me, my daughter, my mother, & my Grandma L

Grandma L. spent her life taking care of people who were ill and dependent on others for their basic needs, and now, it was her turn to be cared for, and the feeling of being a burden to others was overwhelming.  But with her words, the door finally swung open for me, and the words poured out, words of God’s love for her, His purpose and mysterious plan in her suffering.

Last Friday morning, I felt the pressing desire to go see my Grandma L., to read my Bible to her, to talk with her and encourage her.  Perhaps I would go that evening, or later in the weekend.  But that afternoon, I found out that she was at the hospice house for care because she wasn’t doing well.  My decision was set – I put my Bible in my purse and I courageously went to see her that night with every intention to talk about all the things that were never said.

As I sat with her, she would not wake up.  Two of my aunts were there and said she had not woken up in a couple days.  I decided not to be deterred, that perhaps even through her labored breathing, she could hear.  What passages do you read to someone who may be near death?  I opened my Bible to the latter half of Romans 8, held her hand, and read God’s words to her.  Then I turned to Psalm 23.  When I finally looked up and away from my Grandma L.’s face, Aunt Dee was still present, and tears were streaming from my Aunt Sal’s eyes.

When the nurse entered the room to turn my Grandma L. to her other side, she said that the end of this life was very near for her.  My mom was stuck in a snowstorm in the Ozark mountains, so I stayed to be her eyes and ears, wanting to be there until she took her last breath.  I stroked my Grandma L.’s hair, told her I loved her, told her Jesus loved her and was waiting for her with His arms open wide if she would just believe and go to Him.  

Grandma L. passed away at 3:05 am that night.  God gave me a vision, a vision of her arising and going to Jesus, and Jesus embracing her in His arms. 

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My Grandpa's Legacy

My grandpa passed away from this world a week ago today, and he left me a rich inheritance. He was generous in that way.  And it was not just for me, nor just for his family -- he wanted everyone to have it.

The good news of Jesus Christ, the Gospel, – He believed it.  He breathed it.  You could see it in how he valued people.  No one was beneath him to talk to, nor did he have the character of being a busy or hurried man.  He stopped and saw the real person and wondered about their soul – the cashier at the store, his doggy’s veterinarian, the nursing assistant in the hospital. 

My grandpa was an encourager.  He had three favorite verses that he commonly used to encourage me, and it was clear that these were the foundation of his life with Christ because he lived them.

1) Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

His grandmother imparted this verse to her own children and had desired for all her grandchildren to memorize it.  It became his life verse.  He truly believed that when we turned to God, He would “direct” our paths. But it will not necessarily be an easy path.  Sometimes the path may have obstacles and hindrances, but when we trust the Lord, he will lead us around them or through them.    

2)   Isaiah 26:3   You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You.

When faced with major life decisions and transitions, this was a verse he would quote to me and tell me that he was praying. And when he said he prayed, I knew he really was.  His mind stayed on His Lord, and in the overflow of his heart he wanted others to experience this peace.  When God gave him an open door to testify to His goodness, to share the good news of Jesus, or to offer a word of encouragement, he never hesitated. It was second nature to him to want to know what one’s relationship was with Jesus and then encourage them to seek Him.

3)  I Corinthians 15:58  Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.  

This verse was my grandpa’s mission statement.  His life goal was to continually be in a position where God could use him.  He didn’t sit around wondering what  God’s plan or purpose was for his life.  He didn’t know what each year, each month, or even each day would bring.  He just knew that all he had to do was be ready for the next task.  He was a humble servant of the Lord.

This is the legacy he leaves behind.  He would want us to trust God with all our hearts, to keep our minds firmly rooted in Him, and to also give our lives as willing and humble servants knowing that each God-assigned task set before us will not be done in vain.

Relationships Versus Lists

I’m a list-maker by design.  Something in my blood compels me to create lists for my sanity.  Formulating lists organizes the jumbled thoughts in my head and yields a sense of order to my life.  Checking off a list induces feelings of accomplishment.  Lists keep me focused on a goal and grant me the illusion of control.

I love to list things to do, read, or study that will deepen me spiritually.  But God keeps showing me it doesn’t work that way.  Yet, I am still enticed by my old ways, like a magnet on the refrigerator that displays those lists. 

Relationships with the people in my life don’t work through lists either.  Whether it is my relationship with God, or relationships with my family or friends or co-workers, I can’t just make a list of how to make the relationships better and then check it off a list. 

Or can I?  Maybe there IS a way that relationships and my list-making urges can be meshed together.

I have an assortment of new relationships that invaded my life and are under my roof.  Suddenly reading, studying, and writing, the places where I find restoration and fulfillment, have taken a back seat.  Even as I write this, a child is looking over my shoulder and chatting with me. And I must pause to listen….

I know the others will be awake soon, ages 8, 10, 11, 12, and 15, all an assortment of my own children plus nieces and a nephew who will live here for a yet-to-be-determined length of time, and I’m loving every minute of it!  Someday my nest will be empty, but reading and writing will still be there and perhaps then I can indulge.  In the meantime, I know God is telling me to not just amend my agenda but to lay it aside on a daily basis and yield to His by being instead of doing.

Yet, I still must make lists!  So I am changing the kind of lists that I write.  My new lists focus on who I want to be instead of what I want to accomplish.  Being instead of doing. 

Here is a short list of who I want to be with the relationships of the people who are living under my roof in this season of my life, a list of things I resolve to be: 

·         Be a good listener by holding my tongue and asking questions instead of giving answers. 

·         Seek understanding instead of giving advice.

·         Do not be irritated or complain about petty things but have a heart of thankfulness.

·         Pray on my knees and seek God’s counsel before addressing any conflict.

·         Practice mercy, grace, patience, and forgiveness.

·         Find the blessings in every day.

God is showing me new things to add to the list on a regular basis. And instead of checking it off and seeing my failures and successes at the end of every day, I am trying to look over the list at the start of each new day to remind myself of how I am supposed to BE.  Then God will show me what to do.