Gradual Transformation

Should Our Kids Do Chores?

“We don’t have chores because school is our job,” announced my 10-year-old niece as my son cinched the overflowing trash bag in the kitchen to take it outside. Never mind that it was summer and school was not in session during the season my nieces and nephews came to live with us. At first my nieces gloated and waited to be served while my kids poured their own drinks, washed their own dishes, made their own beds, cleaned up their messes, did their own laundry, took care of the dogs, and mowed the lawn. To compound the difficulty, their sweet mom said she didn’t believe in chores because “serving them is the way I show love”.

Maybe I appeared as selfish and unloving, but I didn’t give my kids chores out of selfishness. Most of the time, it would be easier to do it myself than to teach, remind, and follow up. As a working mom, I need my kids to help, but even if I did not work outside the home, I would still have them doing the same chores. It’s just a part of being in a family and learning to take care of your space. Work is not a curse; it's a gift. Besides, play is more relished after working hard.

In Kay Wills Wyma’s book Cleaning House, (see my book review), she says that when we do everything for our kids, they receive “a big fat load of free time, reinforced expectations of being served, and confirmation that they belong on the sidelines of life. We made it easy for them to assume that many doable tasks fall outside their realm of competency or responsibility.” (p.168)

Could you hear me cheering as I read that? I have felt much in need of reinforcement that I was doing the right thing by assigning chores to my children, especially when they perform their tasks grudgingly, while recently my nieces and nephew actually get excited about pitching in and helping out joyfully for no compensation.

“We should view daily household chores as a necessity because the kids themselves need to work. Our kids need to know how to persevere. They need to know that no job is beneath them. They need to know what it takes to operate a home. They need to know that sometimes you have to get dirty to get things clean. They need to know how to serve. They need to know that a family operates as a unit, everyone pitching in. They need to know that they belong, that they are a part of the group, that they are needed.” (page 169)

The best part – my kids actually have started to feel a little good about the fact that they have chores. I think maybe deep down they like being entrusted with responsibility, and they are becoming aware that it is building their character and preparing them for adulthood. Yes, our kids should do chores.

Linking up with A Pause on the Path and Finding Heaven

How to Memorize an Entire Book of the Bible

In Beth Moore’s Bible study, Mercy Triumphs, Beth challenges her students to not only write out the entire book of James through the course of 7 weeks, but to also memorize the entire book over five months or longer. She says the key to memorizing large portions of Scripture is to “abide” with God, and she uses the letters in the word "abide" to describe how to do it:

A – Ask. Ask God for the ability to memorize and to have His living Word in us. He wants to give it to us. When we memorize, the mind is captive to Christ.

B – Believe. Believe you can do it! In the captivated mind we find a power we never knew was possible. God’s Word is set up for memory work.

I – Increase. Increase the portion you are memorizing each week from a translation of your choice that speaks most to you. When memorizing chapters, you must treat them differently than verses. She recommends printing out one chapter at a time and laminating it. Set goals that work for you. Don’t leave it open-ended, and be willing to extend the goal if you need to. Plan on one chapter per month, several verses per week. The first week you will memorize several verses, then the next week you will review the previous verses while memorizing a few more.

D – Determine. Determine to set a time every day to practice. Practicing requires discipline. She practices while exercising, setting her page in front of her on the treadmill.

E – Enjoy it! Even if you don’t get every single word, the Word is accomplishing something in you. The Word sets us free when our thoughts get caught in the muck.

If you have a chance to do this study, be sure to listen to the segment on the DVD where she recites the book of James from memory – totally awesome!!

How I Memorize Scripture

My mind sometimes gets tripped up like a broken record, repeating the same thoughts obsessively. I am 41 and I wonder if days like these are a hormonal symptom of perimenopause or if I’m just going crazy.

But even if the repeated thinking feels out of control, I do have control of what I think. Recently I discovered that I can turn off mucky thoughts if I turn on the familiar passages of the Bible and just let those words tumble around in my mind. And when I do, I trust that God gives me those verses for that moment in time, and the Spirit speaks to my heart.

I used to be better at memorizing Bible passages. While I lived in Texas, it was easy to devote the 30 minute ride on the commuter bus from the suburbs to the big downtown city memorizing passages while gazing out the window if I wasn’t sitting next to someone chatty. My lifestyle is different now in Kansas - sometimes I memorize while walking to and from parking lots, on walking breaks, waiting in lines, or a momentary mind vacation from my work while in the office. Not being as diligent as I used to be, I decided to develop a more systematic method in hopes that a plan would set my pace.

First, I flipped through the Bible and wrote out the reference to every verse/passage that I had ever committed to memory, including those I no longer remembered quite so well. In the process, I came across passages that I wished I had committed to memory, and wrote them down too. Then I made a chart that listed each reference with a few words to trigger my memory and boxes that I could check off each time I reviewed it. My goal was to review all the verse I knew 4 times this year so that I could transfer short-term memory verses into the long-term part of my brain. My table is set up something like this:

John 3:16-17	For God so loved	x	x	x
James 1:22-25	Do not merely	x

My Scripture memory method is divided into 3 parts: 1) reviewing a verse I already know, 2) memorizing something new, 3) refreshing my memory on a verse recently learned:

1. Review a verse on the list that I already know, saying it several times without looking. Then I use the verse in prayer while thinking about what it means and how God wants me to apply it to my life. I listen. Then if I can recite the verse fairly easily, I place an x in the box. If I can’t, I will practice it again the next day.

2. At the beginning of the week, I choose a new verse or two and type it in italics on the list. Then I write it on the back of an old business card and carry it around with me. I learn it by:

o Understanding what the verse really means in context and consulting commentaries for fuller understanding if I desire;

o Breaking it into phrases, repeating each phrase five times to myself;

o Adding two phrases together and repeating them five times;

o Adding three phrases together and repeating them five times, and then another phrase until eventually I have put the whole verse together.

o When I can repeat the verse five times to myself the following day without looking, I know that I have committed it to my short term memory and can pick a new verse while still working on committing it to my long-term memory.

3. Repeat the previously learned verse daily until it comes to memory easily for the next few days. I put an x in the box when I feel like I really know it.

I want Scripture memory to be a tool for talking to God and hearing Him speak into my heart and actions every day instead of just another thing to check off my list. As much as I wish I were more systematic and disciplined, I protect my head from legalism by not berating myself if I go for days without practicing.

Yet, I want to be disciplined too, so finding the balance without teetering on legalism is a challenge. Ultimately, I never do all that I plan and desire to do, but if I go for weeks at a time without any effort, I eventually notice enough to ask myself why. Did I get overwhelmed? Was my plan to complex? Am I just lazy? Did I feel like I needed a break? I diagnose the problem and push myself back into a plan, maybe starting with smaller bites. I know that God sees my heart and is cheering me on during those times that I make the effort, and the effort will be rewarded.

Why I Fell in Love with Memorizing Scripture

What was the point of all those assigned verses I memorized growing up in Sunday School and VBS? I was told to put His Word in my heart so that I would not sin. But it didn’t seem to do much to help me not sin. All that memorizing didn’t necessarily come with much understanding, either. But it DID help me to feel self-righteous and good in my accomplishment to be able to brag about how many verses I had memorized.

But looking back now, I see that none of it was useless. Or meaningless. I once read that memorizing Bible verses increases our understanding of the vocabulary through which the Holy Spirit speaks. A combination of two big events in my life linked together to show this to be true, changing forever how I view Scripture memory.

Eight years ago, I can remember as vividly as yesterday when I was lying in a crisp hospital gown on the hard steel table in a chilly, sterile room. Waiting. Waiting with nerves on edge. Had they forgotten about me? Another medical test to figure out why my liver enzymes were sky-rocket high. This one was going to hurt – and I was fighting anxiety at the thought of being alert and watching as a long needle was to be inserted below my ribs for a liver biopsy.

As endless minutes turned into an hour, I needed to get a grip on my mind and take my thoughts captive. So I set my mind on the book of Genesis and worked my way through each book of the Bible thinking of every verse I had ever memorized just to pass the time. I moved through the Old Testament fairly quickly, but that day the Spirit soothed my heart as I mulled over all the words that I knew during that long wait.

The outcome of that day began the dawning of the realization that my future would consist of much waiting for doctors, procedures, and eventually perhaps a liver transplant - and that motivated me to commit God’s Word even more to my heart. When there was nothing else to distract me, God had spoken to me through His Word that I had memorized. From that day forward, I resolved to make Scripture memory a major part of my life for the unexpected days ahead.

The other event that changed my view of Scripture memory occurred around the same season of life. During my Systematic Theology class in seminary, we were required to memorize full passages of Scripture - around 15 verses long , writing them word for word during quizzes for grades periodically throughout the course. When the course ended, I was no longer satisfied to memorize a single verse here and there. I found joy in knowing verses within their passages, in their full context and meaning. And I learned that I really COULD memorize a whole chain of verses in entire passages – I WAS capable!

The theology course and the uncomfortable waiting experience in the hospital sparked my motivation to memorize like crazy. Greater familiarity with the Bible was paired with the ability to perceive the way it all links together, expecially when I sometimes confused on passage with another. I was hungry for more.

Not that I’ve been so diligent at Scripture memory in the eight years since those events. I go through spurts – seasons that I am passionate and discipline to commit His Words to memory and seasons that I become lax and lazy, not wanting to work my brain so hard.

I want to be better disciplined. I want to memorize the Word so that I can understand God and all of life even more, so that it comes to life in my life - not just in the waiting moments but all the time. And it won't happen by accident.

Busy Mom's Guide to Parenting Teens - Book Review

A canoe trip down a mountain river – that’s how Paul C. Reisser describes parenting teenagers. The scenery is constantly changing and is always interesting, but sometimes you go through choppy waters, roaring rapids, and around the next bend may be a waterfall. It’s our job to keep the family canoe as stable as possible and prevent it from flipping before our teenagers reach the calmer waters of adulthood. Dr. Reisser of Focus on the Family Physicians Resource Council provides a map with information on how to not just survive but enjoy the journey in his book Busy Mom’s Guide to Teen Parenting.

Using a question and answer format, Dr. Reisser leads the reader through the physical, emotional, and relational transformation from childhood to adulthood. Chapter 1 addresses the physical changes that occur and reads a bit like a science book. The remaining chapters address issues such as striving for independence, social media, sexuality, tobacco and drug abuse, and tough issues that can derail a teen’s self-concept (bullying, eating disorders, depression, etc.).

In the last chapter, “Preparing to Pass the Baton,” he places the parenting journey into a broad perspective. As parents, we have been entrusted by God to help mold our teenagers’ character, values, and spirituality while preparing them for such practical matters as choosing a career handling finances, and finding a spouse. It sounds overwhelming, but it is achieved one small step at a time.

This book could have been titled “the Busy Parents’ Guide” instead of targeting moms as the intended readers. All information was as useful to fathers as to mothers. Also, if you are looking for specific answers on social media limitation guidelines, the answers are vague, perhaps because every child is different and there is not one black-and-white answer that applies.

This is a basic teen parenting book to start reading if parenting teens is unfamiliar territory. I would recommend this book especially to parents of pre-teens to prepare for the journey and to begin to have open eyes to the lurking dangers. As a parent of a teenager that has been journeying through the roaring rapids already and bracing myself for whatever lies around the next bend, this book doesn’t have much to offer except to encourage me to try to enjoy the ride a little more.

I was provided a complimentary copy of this book from Tyndale House Publishers in exchange for my honest review.

The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking - Quiet, by Susan Cain

Why are some people more talkative while others measure their words? Why do some people burrow into their work while others organize office parties? Susan Cain shows that our lives are shaped as profoundly by personality as by gender or race. Where we fall on the introvert-extrovert spectrum influences every aspect of our lives from our likelihood for exercise to our choice of friends. If you are an introvert you MUST read Susan Cain’s Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.

Introversion is not synonymous with shyness or being a hermit. Rather, it is defined as someone who prefers less external stimulation. Introverts truly may have strong social skills, but they prefer to devote their social energy to close friends, family, and colleagues. In general they tend to listen more than they talk, think before they speak, do not enjoy being in the limelight, dislike small talk, enjoy deep discussion, dislike conflict, find restoration in solitude, have a rich inner life and deep power of concentration.

Contemporary American culture glorifies the extrovert. Even in the evangelical culture, faithfulness is tied to the “virtue” of extroversion with its emphasis on community, programs, meetings, and meeting more people. But it hasn’t always been that way. Susan Cain takes us back in American history over 100 years to show that the preference for extroversion in our culture is socially determined rather than natural. In addition, she compares the American value of extroversion to the Asian value of introversion.

I am 100% introvert and have always considered it to be a thorn in my flesh. Why did God give me a heart to do so much but not the personality to follow through? Susan Cain showed me that God did not mess up when He made me an introvert, nor am I a failure for not being more extroverted. Instead, I need to be using the power that comes with the introversion He granted me.

After 41 years of wrestling with disappointment in my God-given personality, Susan Cain showed me I am entitled to be who I am instead of trying to force myself into an extrovert mold. I know this doesn’t mean I can use my introversion as an excuse not to stretch myself where I am weak; rather, I need to recognize that what I thought was my weakness may actually be a strength.

We introverts can fit in the evangelical culture – evangelism means listening as well as talking, and occurs one-on-one and in small groups. Social media opens up an entire world for introverts to influence others. Also, note that solitude is not one of the seven deadly sins, but in fact, is a virtue that can demonstrate a quieter path to God.

Whether or not you are an introvert, if you are married to an introvert or have colleagues, friends or family members that are introverts, I highly recommend this book to help understand and relate to all kinds of people across the personality spectrum.

Disclaimer: I was provided a complimentary copy of this book from Waterbook Multnomah Publishing in exchange for my honest review.

Empty Promises - Book Review

Most of us are wired to want to make a difference, to count for something great, and to feel valued. Our culture tells us we can fulfill these desires through external things such as attractiveness, achievement, approval, power, wealth, etc. If you are like me and quick to say, “oh no, that’s not me, my identity is in Christ and those things don’t define me,” Pete Wilson will challenge you to realize the large capacity we have for self-deception and help unpeel those layers of hidden idolatry in his book Empty Promises.

“Gathering your self-worth externally is like trying to fill up a lake with a Dixie cup. It’s just never enough. That’s why it’s so addictive.” It is SO easy for us to fall into the trap that what we do determines who we are, but Pete Wilson shows how we can exchange achievement addiction/success-based identity for a position-based identity. He shows how power at its worst is the sin of comparison and why wielding it somehow makes us think we matter more.

In a nutshell, when we try to fill a God-given appetite with something that isn’t God, it’s idolatry. Pete Wilson will walk you through the traps and list out questions that will help you identify which idols or empty promises you have fallen for and not even realized it. Then he offers up biblical answers on how to transition out of those traps by not just showing how to turn away from them but what to replace them with. I highly recommend this practical book to any believer who wants to chase hard after the only promise that will satisfy – Jesus Christ.

Disclaimer: BookSneeze® provided me a complimentary copy of this book. I was not required to write a positive review and the opinions I have expressed are my own.

When We Really Live

When do we really live? To live is Christ, but what does this look like in everyday life?

While studying the book of James along with a small group study of Beth Moore’s Mercy Triumphs, I am convicted to ensure that I am not living a half-hearted faith but a faith that is fruitful, one that actually demonstrates what I know and believe.

I randomly pulled a book off my shelf that caught my eye this morning – Everyday Religion. It belonged to my great-grandmother. I hate the word ‘religion’ because of the negative connotations that go with it. The word “relationship” is more palatable when describing my faith – a relationship with Jesus.

But devotion and dedication are part of that relationship, so I tried to read the first few pages through the lens of what “religion” meant in 1950 with an eye focused on living out that relationship. Here are my top five ways of how we know we really live in Christ:

We really live in Christ when….

1) When we know how to throw off things, and not let them stick like burs and sting like bees, and how to forget our regrets.

2) When we know how to get out of our little selves into the lives of others, putting ourselves in their place, sharing life in fellowship, changing mirrors into windows.

3) When we can look into a wayside puddle and see something beyond mud, and into the face of a forlorn mortal and see something beyond sin.

4) When we are ruled by our admirations, not by our disgusts, seeking the best in people, giving every soul the benefit of the doubt.

5) When we know how to love, how to pray, how to laugh, how to live with God, how to serve Him, glad to live but not afraid to die.

From Joseph Fort Newton’s Everyday Religion, 1950, (selected from pages 13-16).

Hope for Parents of Troubled Teens - Book Review

When I saw the Hope for Parents of Troubled Teens by licensed counselor Connie Rae, I knew this book was just for me at this time in my life (see my last post on "Why Teenagers Rebel"). Not that I believe I have ‘troubled’ teens. But I DO have a 15-year-old who thinks she is 21 and blames me for her rebellion because of ‘all the rules’. She could be headed on a path for trouble, and over the last year I’ve been evaluating all the things we might have done wrong as parents that have led to her internal conflict. I was in desperate need of hope, guidance, encouragement, and I found it from Connie Rae.

Connie Rae has been there – not just from her 25 years of professional counseling experience, but personally with her own teen son whose decisions landed him in and out of jail for a season of their lives. She gained my respect from the beginning with her humility at not having all the answers and lessons learned through her own story.

So while this book doesn’t necessarily give all the answers, she provides guidance on how to understand and relate to your teen (whether rebellious or not) and how to manage conflict. She offers insight into how teens of this generation think differently because they have been taught to question and analyze, and how we as parents should respond without assuming that our values are rejected. She explains their need for determining their own identity and why they rebel. Her chapters dealing with unnatural highs were enlightening as well.

She sprinkles hope and encouragement throughout the book, but my favorite part was when she explained the art of “hanging on loosely” and “letting go lightly”. Never stop doing the right thing. Never stop praying. Believe that God will do His thing. Even if you feel you have done some things wrong, today is a new day. Build on the things you have done right. Forgive yourself. Do what you can. It’s never too late to do the right things, with the right attitude, for the right reasons.

We can’t necessarily change our teens, but we can change ourselves. When we change in the right ways for the right reasons, our teens will eventually respond differently. Fiercely hold on to what is right, even when they push back. Our love has limits that have a hard time seeing beyond our own personal hurts and frustrations, but God’s love can reach through us. Love is being the best person we can be in Christ so that our child can become the best person he/she can be.

This book might be better titled without the word “troubled” as it seems to apply to any parent with teens – even compliant ones. I would highly recommend this book to parents of pre-teens (as well as teens) for insight into how the teen mind thinks in this generation, and to be prepared in advance if your teen suddenly causes upheaval and chaos in the home. She provides the information, wisdom, and encouragement needed for the journey.

I was provided a complimentary copy of this book by Bethany House Publishers in exchange for my honest review.

Why Teenagers Rebel - a Teen Perspective

By Emily Greene, age 15.8 years old

Why do teenagers rebel? I had to repeat that several times to myself because it’s a difficult question that can’t be answered the same for everyone. Some teenagers may feel lonely and not loved, so they feel that if they rebel, maybe they will get the attention they need.

This is not the case for me. I know my family loves me. Too much. They show it in many ways, but in a sense, I still feel lonely, like something is missing and I want to seek it. Some people dream to have a family that’ll care and love them as much as my family does for me, but at times I can’t stand it. I feel trapped in a box that I’ll never be able to escape. I know my parents have rules for a reason and they only make them because they care, not because they want to make me mad all the time. But I feel as if those lines I’m forbidden to cross are preventing me from filling the empty hole in my heart.

Another part of me hates being told what to do or what not to do. I like to feel as if all my options are open and I can choose to walk through any door I want without the worry of a door being locked. If a door is locked, I want to know what is behind it. That’s the door I want.

I want to learn from my own mistakes. I want that sense of freedom, which I feel when I rebel. The feeling of power over myself is a feeling I can’t have when I’m trapped. That’s why I rebel – the hole in my heart and wanting to finding out what fills it.

Emily

My daughter wrote this on the airplane on our vacation while she was 'bored'. We have been struggling lately - the limits my husband and I place in her life at age 15 when she wants to be 21. She says our rules make her want to rebel. Yet, some rules we just have to keep in place in order to live obediently to God as parents.

My heart breaks – not for me but for all the pain that she is willing to invite into her life by choosing her own way as the ultimate way.

I wonder how long it will take and what she will experience before she finally realizes that only Jesus can fill that hole. Only Jesus will satisfy.

As a mother, what can I do? All I know is to keep on loving her as Jesus does and to be her biggest prayer warrior.

Linking up with: Working Kansas Homemaker, Soli Deo Gloria,and A Pause on the Path.