Following My Desires

This morning on the Desiring God Blog, I read, “Lord, I want to be free. I want my desires so changed into accord with reality so that I can do what I want to do and never regret it. That's what I want. And so I'm going hard after Jesus to change me, because many of my desires are stupid…”  It made me laugh, but it is also MY heart’s cry.

In recent years, I struggled with guilt for increased feelings of reluctance to serve in my church and community.  Although facilitating ladies Bible studies at church and the homeless shelter as well as assisting in children’s ministry activities were things I enjoyed at one time, they morphed into something I dreaded in my schedule. If the activity robbed me of time with my husband and kids, I dreaded it all the more.  Losing all interest, one-by-one, I dropped them until I was serving nowhere.  Then guilt blanketed me.  Being with my family was all I desired, and I worried that my world would become too small.  Had I made my family into an idol?

But the desire to dig deep in God’s Word never left me.  With my extra time, I brushed up on biblical Greek and began studying the Bible more systematically.  While I absorbed knowledge and relished a new intimacy with God, I knew it was right for this time in my life.  Yet, I knew I was not supposed to keep it private.  I’m still trying to figure it all out, but writing what God is showing me is definitely my sweet spot.  And dread is not a part of my life anymore.

Now I look for the things that spark my heart to beat a little faster, areas in which I can show love to people around me – not out of the ‘shoulds’ or to prevent guilt, but with pure desire.  I am concerned that this is based too much on feelings.  Sometimes there are unpleasant duties that must be fulfilled, but I know sometimes God compels me to do them.  Sometimes He compels others to do them.  Listening for the Spirit’s voice in compelling me is working for me for now. 

If I pray daily that God will change my desires so that they will coincide with His, then maybe I can do what I want to do and never regret it.  He will allow me to see through His perspective more and more, and He will continue to change me.

Secrets of the Vine for Women - Book Review

Do you want to live beyond yourself, letting go of your agenda and your control so that you can receive what God has for you?  Secrets of the Vine for Women, by Darlene Wilkinson, is full of encouragement and advice on how to live fruitfully for God.

In six short chapters, the author provides three secrets of the vine that result in greater fruitfulness, service, and impact of your life for God.  Each chapter begins with a brief fictional scene about a young woman returning to her childhood home where she rejoices with her papa at the abundance of grapes from his vineyard.  Based on John 15, she portrays followers of Christ as the branches of the vine and God as the passionate, attentive vinedresser, who has a goal in mind as we face every circumstance in lives.  Even more, God cares about our fruitfulness and wants to take us to the next level.  This little book shows us how God carries us to the next level and gives practical advice on how to abide with Him.  A short study guide in the back provides topics for reflection and application of the concepts in the book, which would also offer thought-provoking sharing in small group discussion.

I found this simple book to be uplifting and inspiring.  The author did not make me feel guilty for not doing enough or for not achieving success through measurable outcomes.  She re-aligned my perspective, showing me that we bear fruit NOT by doing more or serving more, but by pursuing intimacy with God.  She states that "our opportunities don't very often require a platform, an extraordinary talent, or an unusual opportunity."  All that is required is a heart that abides and a heart that is ready.

I want to abide every day, every moment, so that everything else I do daily is just something I'm doing while I am abiding. I want to be attuned to Jesus and His purposes for me.

I received a complimentary copy of this book from Waterbook Multnomah Publishing Group in exchange for a review.  The opinions expressed herein are my own.

Spiritual Amnesia

I experienced a case of spiritual amnesia during the busy work days this week.  Yesterday, at the end of the long hard day, I heard a song on the radio as I was driving home that proclaimed the glorious name of Jesus.  My heart sang with joy at hearing His name! Then it dawned on me, as all my memory came back, that I had gone through the entire work day most days this week without even thinking of His name consciously, let alone experiencing His continued presence with brief prayers of thanksgiving or intercession.  I had started my mornings in His Word, so what happened to me? Even more, how often has this happened to me and I never even noticed?

Busyness? Normally, I sit behind a desk and computer, writing or critiquing technical reports.  My thoughts easily turn to Him as I am surrounded by reminders like my memory verse flashcard or devotional emails in my inbox.  The quietness and peacefulness is also conducive to allowing my mind to wander toward Him. 

This week, I worked outside, overseeing a crew with a drill rig and mobile lab to delineate a contaminated groundwater plume.  My mind was continually spinning with new data and decisions throughout the days as we fought to work against violently gusty winds and rain.  One day, when the sun popped out for a few minutes and a bird flew overhead, my thoughts slowed down enough to notice and turn toward God, but only momentarily.

Subconsciously I know He was with me all day, but I had missed out on the sense of abiding in Him, the blessing of asking and allowing Him to guide my steps and decision.  Still, the sweetness of hearing His name reminded me He was continuing to pursue me and was always with me, whether I acknowledged it or not.  While I am ashamed that I experience spiritual amnesia from time to time, I know He forgives me and accepts me as I am through the righteousness of Jesus.  This week’s case of spiritual amnesia reminds me to ask Him to daily open my eyes to Him, to seek Him all day long, and to treasure the abiding relationship that He wants to have with me.