"If You Can't Say Anything Nice..." - The Problem with the Thumperian Principle

"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

My mother used to tell me that.

I tell my kids that.

But this Principle does not always apply.  In fact, it could actually cause you to sin when dealing with the emotion of anger.

Being angry is not a sin.  How you express your anger can lead to sin.  It's obvious that exploding your anger all over someone can be damaging.  But not expressing your anger can lead to sin as well.

What happens when we hide our anger?  It can boil up and stew inside, bubbling over in subtle but destructive ways -- avoidance, silence, curtness, sulking, pouting, impatience.  If we suppress our anger, it can cause us to blow up over unrelated, little incidents.  Or it might even result in seeking revenge.

Sometimes, it may be sinful not to express your anger.  Expressing feelings constructively lets others know how you feel so that changes can be made.  

Sometimes we don't know if we should turn the other cheek or if we should overturn the temple tables.  A situation may call for us to keep our mouth shut, while another situation demands a forceful response.  

I just finished reading Speaking the Truth in Love: How to Be an Assertive Christian, by Ruth Koch & Kenneth Haugk.  It's been around for a while but I found it useful for both family and work relationships. The authors show how to handle anger and criticism and how to practically relate to others with honesty, compassion, and respect in difficult relational situations in a manner consistent with how Jesus wants us to live.  I'm going to keep this one in my library for future reference.

The Cure for a Grumbly, Critical Spirit

First thing this morning when I saw my 7^th grade son, he didn’t give me his usual good morning hug.  Instead he looked at me with disdain and asked me why I didn’t bring his shirts upstairs to his bedroom like he had asked after I washed and hung them to dry.  Excuse me? Don’t you mean “thank you mom for washing my clothes”?   He tried to argue with me and I told him he wasn’t going to win this one and moved on.  It left me feeling grumbly.

Last night in our small group Bible study on Ephesians, a dear friend said her husband brought her coffee every morning while she was in the shower.  She didn’t say it to brag, but to complain – that he should be showing love by doing the hard sacrificial things, not easy, routine things, and learning her ‘love language’.  Excuse me? Don’t you mean “thank you honey for bringing me coffee morning after morning”? Thank you for loving me regardless of which ‘love language’ you choose?

Hearing others grumbling stirred up critical feelings toward them, but as I was pointing, this time I saw the three fingers pointing back at myself. How often I catch my own self feeling entitled to something or expecting a behavior from someone that doesn’t line up with reality and leaves me feeling grumbly?

Grumbling and criticizing is a heart attitude that develops when things in life don’t unfold to our liking. It begins with how we interpret the facts.  We have the power to choose our interpretation.  We can choose the path that makes us passive victims of people’s remarks or of random incidents.  Or we could choose the path of gratitude.

Gratitude isn’t about psyching ourselves up to have a good attitude.  Choosing gratitude must flow from God, our reliable source.  In fact, He desires for us to be able to live feeling thankful in any and every circumstance.  He has to tell us to do this because thankfulness doesn’t come naturally.

Henri Nouwen believes that gratitude is a difficult spiritual discipline to constantly practice. “It is hard precisely because it challenges me to face my painful moments – experiences of rejection and abandonment, feelings of loss and failure – and gradually to discover in them the pruning hands of God purifying my heart for deeper love, stronger hope, and broader faith.”

Adele Calhoun beautifully describes thankfulness as a thread that combines together all the patchwork squares of our lives.  It is a discipline to choose to stitch our days together with the thread of gratitude.   

Gratitude not only squelches grumbling, but it annihilates the critical spirit, at least temporarily for as long as we are upstage the critical spirit by practicing gratitude. 

I just chatted with my son and we exchanged pleasant good-byes before he left to get on the school bus.  We showed each other we had moved on and weren’t holding a grudge over the earlier exchange.  Next Saturday I’ll be filled with gratitude as I watch him do his own laundry.

Linking up with Finding Heaven's SDG Party.

Serving Others When I Feel Like I Should But Don't Want To

Sometimes I know without a shadow of doubt that God wants me to invest myself in someone’s life because He gives the burning desire in my heart – a burning desire to meet a need or merely connect with them or to come alongside and encourage each other.  The fire is one that can’t be squelched and the Holy Spirit fills me with motivation to follow through even if it is tough. 

Other times, I feel like I OUGHT to minister to someone but the desire is not there. I don’t want to do it.  God loves a cheerful giver, so if I don’t feel cheerful about giving my time, emotions, resources, I shouldn’t do it, right? If I don’t want to do it, does that mean that God is not leading me to do it?

I struggle with this because it is emotion-based and the heart can be deceiving.  Just because I don’t want to do it does not necessarily mean that God is not leading me to do it.  I have several choices. I could:

1.       Deny how I feel and devote my energy to simply doing it instead of how I feel about doing it.

2.       I can try to convince myself that I really want to do it.

3.       I could do it even if I don’t want to and feel guilty for not wanting to or not doing it well.

4.       I could do it and maybe God will change my heart in the process.

Maybe the first thing to do is evaluate why I feel like I ‘should’ do something when I don’t want to do it? Is it to please others or is it to please God?  Is someone putting an expectation on me that God is not requiring of me or that God is reserving for someone else? Or do I know it is God leading me to do it, but I am afraid of how people will react so I’m reluctant to face rejection or being thought a dork?

I think sometimes God can convince me that it is His plan for me to do something even if I don’t “feel” like it merely because He inclines my heart to do it.  Obedience should not be based on feeling, but what if the inclination isn't there either?  The flesh and spirit are constantly at war in me.

All I know to do is pray that God will change my desire, to incline my heart, or give me a knowing that will help me move beyond the “don’t feel like it” feeling. 

How do you know God is leading YOU to do something when your feelings don’t match up?

Getting a Grip When under Attack

An accusatory text message, an assuming e-mail, a discovery of a lie or a bit of deceit… my initial knee-jerk reaction can turn the raindrop into a torrential downpour.  In this season of my life, I have been showered by small unexpected offenses that have the potential to evolve into damaging floods of emotion if I don’t pull out my umbrella of counsel from the Word of God.  With God’s counsel, I am becoming better at distinguishing the words that manipulate – words intended to cause guilt in order to maneuver for control.  Even more, God helps me to see through His perspective and enables me to get a glimpse from their shoes. Then the umbrella of grace, understanding and forgiveness deflects the words and keeps me from measuring the depth of offense.

But sometimes I am so slow to anger, it would almost seem my reaction is delayed as I mull over the assault.  Then it begins to gradually simmer and then boil up inside of me until I am no longer able to focus on my work. I start to question what is true. I question myself. I try to recall the history of progression. I mull over the facts versus the assumptions.  At some point, though, I have to get a grip on the barrage of thoughts and emotions. Ultimately, I want strength, Truth, and for my every thought and step to be in line with God’s will and purpose.    

I keep this prayer at my desk for times like these. It helps me feel strong, seek truth, and binds up my thoughts and emotions so that I don’t lose control:

In the name of Jesus Christ, I bind my body, soul and spirit to the will and the purpose of God.  I bind myself to the truth of God.  I bind myself to an awareness of the power of the blood of Jesus working in my life every day.  I bind my mind to the mind of Christ that I can have the thoughts, purposes and feelings of His heart in me.  I bind my feet to the paths you have ordained for me to walk, God, that my steps will be strong and steady.  I bind myself to the work of the cross with all of its mercy, truth, love, power, forgiveness and dying to self.

In the name of Jesus Christ, I bind  Satan and I loose his hold on everything he has ever stolen from me.  I rebuke his works and loose the power and effects of every deception, device, and influence he wants to bring against me.

Lord, I repent of having wrong attitudes and thoughts, I renounce them now and ask forgiveness.  I loose every old, wrong pattern of thinking, attitude, idea, desire, belief, habit, and behavior that may still be working in me.  I tear down, crush, smash, and destroy every stronghold I have erected to protect them. I bind myself to the overcoming behavior and spiritual desires that line up with the fruit of the Holy Spirit.

Father, I loose any strongholds in my life protecting wrong feelings I have against anyone.  Forgive me as I forgive those who have caused me pain, loss, or grief.  I loose any desires for retribution, or redress. 

In the name of Jesus, I loose the power and the effects of any harsh or hard words spoken about me or by me. I loose any strongholds connected with them. I loose all generational bondages and their strongholds from myself.

Thank you, Jesus, that you have promised whatsoever I bind and loose on earth will be bound and loosed in heaven.
Amen.

(If you know the source, let me know so I can credit the author)

The Meaning of Hope

Lately, I have heard myself repeating the cliché words “don’t give up hope!”  I cringe because it sounds so generic and does not convey the meaning that I really intend.  Hope is not merely wishful thinking. It’s not just having a positive attitude. It’s not just a nice word on my coffee mug that gives me a warm fuzzy as I sip my coffee early in the morning.  In the last six months, God has been unveiling the meaning of hope in my life.  

When I say “don’t give up hope”, I really mean “God’s hand is still in this and He is not done. You can’t see right now what He is doing in this painful situation, but God IS doing something, even if we can’t see it on the stage of life.”  If we stop hoping, we might miss out on seeing what God will do.  When I hope, I feel God guiding me to fly above the difficulty instead of getting stuck in the middle of it.  By keeping on hoping, it pulls me up out of the muck and mire and helps me see a bird’s eye view of the situation, even if it is extremely foggy.

On the Desiring God blog for December 8, 2011, Sam Crabtree explains the meaning of hope: “Hope believes that God is not done. Hope is the feeling we have that the feeling we have is not the feeling we will have. That is, hope is the (up) feeling we have that the (down) feeling we have is not permanent. “  Hope sees the ultimate reality. Trusting is God is the only way to sustain hope.

Sam Crabtree also draws a link between gratitude and hope.  Gratitude looks backward and fuels the hope that looks forward with reasonable confidence and expectation.  He goes on to say that ungrateful people tend not to be hopeful.  I resolve to become a more grateful and hopeful person!

God was not done when Noah was in the boat, Sarah was barren, Joseph was in prison, Moses was on the run from Pharaoh, the children of Israel were pinned against the Red Sea, the walls of Jericho blocked possession of the promised land, Gideon was hiding from the Midianites, Samson was seduced by a woman and blinded, Ruth was widowed, David was mocked as a boy facing a giant, Job’s children were all killed, government officials persecuted Daniel, Jonah was in the belly of a fish, Paul couldn’t get rid of this thorn, and Jesus was put in the grave. God is not done!

Hope is becoming multi-dimensional for me this season of commemorating the time when God poured out His love to us by becoming man. When He was born as a baby, He was not done. When He died on the cross, He was finished with His sacrificial work but He was not done acting in the world.  When He was resurrected, the sacrifice for sin was complete, but sin still exists.  We wait for Jesus’s return with hopefulness while we still live in the realm of the already/not yet. 

Stepping Up

Is God leading you on a path – through a dark valley, over a mountain, or across a desert? Or do you feel stuck in the grassy plains that stretch from one horizon to the other, hopeless of change? Do you want to make progress as you go from here to there? Do you want to consistently take the high road in your circumstances instead of the tempting low road?

God is inviting us to go up, to draw our souls closer to Him through a spiritual pilgrimage. When we let Him lead, we never stay in the same place. He wants to take us to the next level, which is always out of our comfort of sameness. God wants us to make a daily practice of “going up” with Him.  The process of how we go there is part of getting there.

I’m beginning a journey through the Psalms of Ascent through Beth Moore’s Bible study Stepping Up, and over the next few weeks as I join a small group of beautiful ladies, I hope to summarize the words that the Spirit impresses on my heart.   Psalms 120-134 were sung by the Israelites during the Pilgrimage Feasts, so this part of Scripture will be the Biblical focus of my upward trek the next six weeks. 

I often lament that my emotions interfere with my walk.  But Beth Moore asks "What if those very emotions become avenues of worship rather than distraction?"  When your feelings need Biblical expression – overwhelming praise and gratitude or oppressing sorrow, fear or anger – the Psalms help us express them to God and turn our emotions into worship – and not just the happy thankful feelings but the not-so-pretty feelings too.  The Psalms show how we can bare our souls to integrate all our emotions into our relationship with Him. It's not like we can hide them from Him anyway since He knows us more intimately than we could ever know ourselves.

Beth Moore says that God has goals for us and a private agenda for each of us, but we can count on them being based on the following truths:

·         God desires to dramatically change our outlook on daily life.

·         God wants to raise us to a higher plain of worship and service.

·         God wills to usher us to the next step in our personal journeys with Him even if we have to press through the thickest forest to get it. (page 12)

My deepest desire at this time of my life is to interpret my circumstances, situations, and relationships through His eyes, and then match my steps with the path and rhythm of His. I eagerly anticipate learning how my emotions can be a source that evokes praise and worship to my Almighty God and draws me closer to Him.  Time to take the first step...

My Worries and God's Omnipotence

My occupation with multiple worries at one time means that I don’t have to worry about any single thing obsessively.  I can spread them out, switching the channel of my mind to a different fretful thought when one becomes too overwhelming.

Do not worry about tomorrow.

But what happens tomorrow could alter the destiny of many. So many things could go wrong, yet I feel powerless to stop any of them.   

Tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)

Very true – so why do I waste my energy on the “what-if’s” when there is so much to deal with this day? I fool myself if I think I have control over any of it.  But if I start thinking like that, I just sit back and get cynical. 

Beth Moore says: “At the end of the day, people do what they want to do.  You can’t make them do something else. You can’t force them.  You can’t change them.  You can’t deliver them.  Only God can.  And that’s why He’s omnipotent and we’re not.” (So Long, Insecurity)

BEFORE the end of the day, I know that God uses me to influence, to bring about His will.  At the end of the day, I need to know that I walked close to Jesus, leaned on Him, followed in His steps. At the end of the day, I want to hear Him say “well done, good and faithful servant,” regardless of the outcome around me and regardless of the choices people make. 

We are meant to reflect His character, to show some faint reflection of each of His attributes.  Even omnipotence to some degree (perhaps without the omni part).  In Paul’s encouragement to Timothy to be faithful, he says in 2 Timothy 1:7 “God gives us a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.”  This is power expressed with control and a loving spirit.  Love is the goal of this dispensed power based on faith.  He gives us the power to bring about change, to alter the course of someone’s destiny, to bring about results.  He wants to bless us when we join Him in His work.

God is omnipotent and I am not. He has all the power to do whatever He decides He wants done.  The best part is that it is always consistent with His character – His holiness, His goodness, His love, and His grace.  He knows the passing of every sparrow.  He knows the number of hairs on my head.  This is a God who is in the details, a God who holds all the power, a God who cares more deeply than we can ever imagine.

Photo from  http://freeartisticphotos.com

More on Fear of Being Undignified

The Bible is always relevant and applicable to my needs, but I am awed when God places other books in my life and words from wise Christ followers that supplement what He is trying to show me.  

I just finished reading a book that connected with my previous posting "Fear of Being Undignified".  Erwin McManus explains how we resist love to avoid pain and squelch our dreams out of fear of failure.  When we turn our hearts toward God, all of our fears are consumed by one fear - the fear of God only.

He also says that what we fear is what we are subject to.  Our fears define our master.  Where there is no fear, there is no control.  When we fear God, we in essence begin to live a life where we are fearless. If we are to be like Jesus, we must always risk for love.  We are invited to follow Him with reckless abandon.

I would rather be undignified in expressing love than for my heart to grow cold and uncaring. I want to have only one fear.

Book review to follow soon! 

Fear of Being Undignified

Why do I often suppress the warm sentiments in my heart? Maybe I fear that I will be thought of as silly, or maybe the impression is far from mutual.  It’s easier and safer to stay inside my shell.

During my “best” week of the monthly hormonal cycle, I am more likely to shower people with appreciation and affection.  Sometimes I later feel ridiculous, ignored or rejected.  I started practicing holding back and letting the feelings wane. 

A few months ago, a new friend entered my life – or at least I thought of her as such. During my best week, I drafted an email expressing my appreciation for God bringing her into my life and the encouragement she offered as we raised teenage daughters.  However, I decided to sit on the draft for a couple days to see if I thought it was silly a couple days later.  Sure enough, my heart chilled and I did not want to take the risk of exposing myself. 

What did I miss? The following month, I sent a much milder form of appreciation along with a matter of business.  She sent me a gushing response that left me feeling incredibly blessed. 

This morning, I took an impulsive, tentative, yet tiny leap to express a thought on my heart to a fellow co-worker and my prayers for his family.  As a result, I learned how God is dramatically working in his and his wife’s life.  A rush of memories of a time in my life when God called me to radical change flooded my soul (the 4^th echo this week – a subject for a separate posting!).  Hearing the passion to follow hard after Jesus re-ignited the fire in my heart, too.

By protecting myself inside the cocoon, what have I been missing? Pain? Blessing? Both? Is the risk worth it?

Michal chastised David for his indignity, and his response was “…I will celebrate before the Lord.  I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes.” (2 Samuel 6:21-22).  He exposed the affection of His heart in worship to God, and was ridiculed by his wife in return.  Yet, to him, it was worth the price.  And God was delighted.

How often have I chosen sensibility and dignity over expressing my heart? Is protecting my ego from rejection or humiliation worth the cost of missing out on being used by God and allowing His goodness to be displayed? 

How much pain am I willing to risk?  Fear is one of my worst enemies.

Oh, how I want to become even more undignified than this! 

Was Jesus Emotional?

My husband sometimes describes me as a moody person.  At times, the tears come quickly or the laughter erupts more readily than others. Sometimes I feel gushy and express my love and appreciation at the smallest things, while other times my tongue is sharp and my patience slim.  Pulling the reigns on my emotions requires self-discipline to prevent them from negatively controlling my words and actions.

Since I want to follow the pattern of Jesus, I have to ask, how much were emotions a part of His life?  I have never imagined Jesus as an emotional person, yet I know He had emotions.  He experienced laughter, tears, compassion, and anger, but He did not sin.  

Sinclair Ferguson discusses the true, deep humanity of Jesus in his book In Christ Alone, saying “Jesus’s sinlessness should not be equated with emotionlessness.” In fact, it is quite the other extreme.  He cites the example of illness and death of Lazarus when Jesus wept (John 11:35), deeply affected by Satan’s reign in sin and death. 

Jesus could see human need with perfect clarity and feel it with ‘unparalleled intensity’ compared to our foggy awareness. “His holy humanity experienced heights and depths of emotion unknown by sinful humanity” (p. 70).  When He resurrected Lazarus from the dead with a single command, the ultimate miracle, I wonder what He felt then? 

Can you imagine experiencing all the emotions of womanhood without sinning?  To experience all the highs and lows without your thoughts going down paths they shouldn’t go?  To allow them to drive you to closer in intimacy with God? 

Whether I experience the high peaks of joy or the low depths of despair, I want my emotions to be ignited by the Holy Spirit within me.  I do not want my emotions to rule me, but sometimes they propel me into action that might otherwise lie dormant.  I resolve to cherish all the emotions that come with the gift of womanhood so that God may use them to transform my character.