My eyes flew open in surprise at 1:25am last night during the middle of a peaceful sleep. “I have a lump on my breast!” I exclaimed into the darkness before it even registered if I was still dreaming or not. My husband must have been awake because he answered, “Why are you touching your breasts in your sleep?” I laughed. I had no idea, maybe I had an itch, but there was no doubt that the pea-sized lump at the edge of my breast near my armpit was there. After my husband verified its existence, we laid there in silence for a while. I wondered how we would fall back to sleep.
I thought about my previous post, how much I want to walk so close to God that I can see His hand in every thing, every day, and trust Him so much that nothing shakes me. Was this a test? I knew this had the potential to rattle me and fill me with anxiety. This was not an unfamiliar road.
God knew it was there. He knows when it formed. He knows whether or not it is benign. He knew that I would discover it when I did. He knows the path in front of me and will guide me through each step for my good (yes, MY good) and His glory. His consolation delighted my soul, and he calmed the anxious thoughts that could have multiplied. The heavy breathing of my husband also soothed me. He is my rock, too, and if he could find rest, then I could too. Peaceful sleep returned to me.
As with any illness, we have a choice how to react. When the circumstance is beyond our control, will we give into pity and ask the why questions that only stirs up anxious thinking? Will we feel play the victim? Or will we fight with anger that leads to bitterness and blame? Or will we trust God and stand strong?
I don’t want to be a victim, nor do I want to be an angry warrior lashing out. But I do want to be a warrior – a strong one who knows who the commander is!
I can’t change the circumstances, but I can choose my thoughts and my actions. My next action will be to make a doctor appointment Monday morning. My next thoughts are to walk as closely to my heavenly Father as I can so He can keep me from victim-thinking and grow me into something stronger and more beautiful.